A: If answering this question from where I sit now--two years after I first met David--I’d say that, when I was in love with Mike, he was my protector, in a lot of ways. He’d always been like a big brother--the only boy I really had in my life. But that love changed as he and I got older, and he got cute. I started dating other boys and learned more about what I liked and disliked in a guy, then I realized at one point that Mike was never like any of those other guys. He was never nasty to me. He never ignored me, or told anyone my secrets. He never expected anything of me. He was just easy to be around, and he always looked at me like I was his everything. You can’t not fall in love with that. As for David--my first thoughts were that he was the most gorgeous guy I’d ever seen. His green eyes and that confident smile he tried to pass off as timid got me from the start. But, then, when I got to know him and found that there was this depth to him--something he kept from everyone else but me--I felt “included”. I felt like I was a part of him that he’d keep a secret for forever--protect for forever. I loved his compassion toward me, the way he’d think I was immature and annoying, but how he also loved that about me. Everything everyone else hated in me, he loved. And he was always there for me. It didn’t matter what he had going on, he cared enough to listen and, sometimes, that’s really all you need. As for Jason...well...I’ve always felt a connection to him. From the first moment our hands touched the night of the masquerade, I felt like I knew him--like there was just something...more. He’s kind and sweet and so selfless I was forced to care about him before I was even ready to forgive him for what he did to me. He’s the kinda guy that, if you were in a fight and he was in the wrong, he’d admit it right then and apologize. He puts everyone else before himself, and I know with all my heart that if he ever needed a new kidney, I’d give him one. In my eyes, he can do no wrong, really. He’s like my best friend, but with the face of my husband. I guess he’s what I wish David had turned out like.
I have a lot of love for all three of those guys. When I was seventeen and I first met David, I couldn’t distinguish the difference between the kind of love you have for a best friend and the kind you have for a boyfriend. These days, the lines are a lot clearer. I guess I just needed to feel loved so badly that I was looking for it in all the wrong places. But Mike and I are cool now, and all those old feelings are gone. I wish I could say the same for David and Jase, but I know that the time will come soon where I’m forced to choose, and the one I push away will be gone forever.
Q: Have you ever considered just chucking it all in and moving back to Australia?
A: Yes. But I’m bound to these people, their lives, their futures. If I left, I’d get as far as the coastline and start screaming for the pilot to turn the plane around.
Q: Are you afraid of what your future holds?
A: Not anymore. I was. But I’m strong now, and I don’t need anyone to guide me or show me the way. I have faith in myself that I can handle anything life throws at me. I say, bring it on.
Q: Why do you always seem to take on the guilt of the world?
A: It’s just my own guilt, really. I guess, when there’s a problem, my automatic reaction is to find what caused it, essentially--to go all the way back and find the absolute root of the root. Most times, I trace it back to something I did or said. Jason tells me I quite simply just have a very ‘science-minded’ brain. He says if I were to become a scientist, I’d do great. The guilt I feel is a personality trait, I guess. Like being moody in the mornings. I’m not sure it’ll ever change that much.
Q: Why do you have to hide your feelings, like the way you feel about Emily and David’s friendship (i.e.; how you think there was or is more to it)?
A: I don’t have to hide the way I feel. I try bringing it up with David, but he gets snappy and won’t talk about it. I very rarely, if you actually go through the books, leave things unsaid. I usually bring it up at some point. But if I don’t say it straight away, it’s because I think maybe I’m just being silly about it, and don’t want to upset everyone when there’s nothing to be upset over. I get like that sometimes--reading into things way too much. Know thyself.
Q: Why can’t you stop over-thinking things, and realize you need to feel more than think?
A: Because I’m young. Ha ha ha. But, yes, I do tend to let my brain get in the way, but often my heart does, too. If I listened only to my heart, I can’t even imagine what I would've done wrong by now to screw things up with David. I’ve learned that I have to listen to a combination of both my heart and my head. But my head just needed to do some growing up so I didn’t question myself as often.
Q: Why is it so hard for you to admit to yourself and others what your true feelings for Jason are?
A: Think about your boyfriend or husband. Now think about his best friend or brother. If you were in love with them, the best thing you can do for everyone is to ignore that. Don’t let yourself think it, and don’t ever say it. If you love your husband/boyfriend, if you promised to commit to them, you don’t get to walk out because you have a change of heart. The heart will change many times in the life of a marriage. If you jump ship for every Tom, Dick or Harry that comes along and ignites your blood, you’d never be able to commit to anything. The best thing to do is just quietly let it go and let it pass. A promise to be together is a promise you must keep, even if you don’t want to anymore. This is how you stay married for a lifetime. Ask an eighty-year-old couple how many times they’ve wanted to leave the marriage, and whether or not they think staying was the right choice. They’ll always tell you they’re glad they stayed. No matter what.
Q: Do you ever wish that you were still in Australia with your mom, Mike and little bro, even if it meant that you never met David?
A: Yes. But I may feel differently about that one day. At the moment, with everything we’ve suffered, I’m just not sure meeting him was really the best thing for me. I love him, but life would’ve been easier without him.
Q: Why can’t you just make up your mind about one guy and stick to it? Why do you feel the need to have all the male attention?
A: Well, I’d like to stick to one guy. But I had to work through a lot of inner issues to find out who I was in order to know what I wanted. I was seventeen when I met David. Seventeen when I was tortured by a vampire and nearly killed. I was seventeen and scared and lonely when I agreed to marry my best friend. If I’d had a normal life, I wouldn't have clung so hard to everyone that mattered to me. It just so happened that those that mattered were guys. If I’d had a best girl friend growing up, I might have clung to her. But I didn’t. So, Mike was it. But it wasn’t real love, and as soon as I figured that out, I let him go. I would actually rather not have all the attention of all the guys. I just want a normal life. I just want me and the man I’m in love with, and maybe a baby or two. Nothing else. I’m confused about Jason and David, and I don’t know why. I can’t control my heart. But I know there are thousands of other girls out there who are torn between David and Jason, too. So, I’m not alone. If people hate me for being torn, then they have to hate themselves, too, right? I’m only human. But I’ve also only recently learned that commitment means sticking to one guy, no matter what your heart says. For some people, their life lesson is patience, or self-control, or maybe even compassion. My life lesson is love--how to love. I had to learn how to love a friend and how that differed to a lover. I had to learn the difference between many types of love, because this wasn’t knowledge I was born with--it wasn’t taught to me in school. It wasn’t something I brought with me from another life. Some girls are smart and their heads are on their shoulders the right way. They know what they want, they’re sassy and independent from birth. But I’m just not that girl. And I know there are more girls like me (confused and arguing their head against their heart) than there are strong-willed ones. I’m still young, and we cannot berate ourselves for the choices we make when we’re children. Mistakes are a part of growing up--the only real way to learn. And one of the other ways we learn who we are is by gathering information on how other’s see us. That’s, I guess, why I the attention of boys is sometimes important: they see me for something I could never see in myself. I wouldn’t look in the mirror at my scars and say I was beautiful. I wouldn’t put on an outfit and think I looked hot. I used to think I only mattered if others thought I mattered--if they thought I was pretty or smart or thin, or whatever. That’s the mind of a young person. I see myself differently now: I look in the mirror and I decide if I’m pretty. I think about what I do and say, and I decide if it’s right. I know myself now, and I know who I am, and that’s only happened by making all these mistakes. I am a journey of my own. That’s my life--that’s my mountain to climb. And we all have different mountains.