I think this post in a lot of ways is a 'Dear Diary' post. As was my last one. It's all my thoughts and feels jotted down so I can make sense of them. As you know, a few days ago I was broken to the point of giving up--a place I've been many times. But the same thing that happens every time happened again: that warrior puts its pen down for a day, once or twice it's been two days, but then it picks it back up again, not any stronger than it was before, no more resolved, still with no shining light at the end of the tunnel or no 'corner' in sight, and it fights for the dream.
I once believed anything was possible. And I guess in many ways I must still--deep inside. Maybe that's why I fight when it is so much easier and so much less painful to give up. I sometimes wish I could just throw in the towel and walk away for good. But the fact that I can't, no matter what, probably means that I am meant to do this for some reason. Or maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm just meant to suffer in heartache for the rest of my days. Oh well... as long as I get to write. No one ever said writing was easy. No one ever said being a writer would be pain free. In fact, I'm pretty sure most famous writers are alcoholics, right?
If I ever do 'make it', all this suffering just makes me more worthy of it.
I teach my children that anything is possible. Since the day they were born I have drilled this into them to the point where, now, if someone says to my 11 year old, for example, that they wish they could fly, he will tell them they can. One day. Someone just has to invent a way. When they go on to tell him that's ridiculous and there is no way that's possible, he replies with a speech about how no one thought a light globe was possible. No one thought machines that add up numbers for you was possible. But someone invented these things and, one day, if someone wants it bad enough, they will invent a way to fly without machines. He then tells his little brother that it could be him. He tells Will that when he grows up he could be the person to cure cancer or create something that changes the world. All of my boys believe this to their core. So I must have done something right there.
Some would say, in fact, some DO say that I should teach them to be realistic. I should stop telling them they can be ANYTHING they want. Do anything. But I say, "Realistic? I AM being realistic." I'm inspiring the next generation of free thinkers--of scientists and inventors and musicians and, hopefully, if I'm lucky ... writers.
But I wish I still had that blind resolve that they do. I wish I could believe that I will one day 'make it'. Alas, being an adult in the 'real' world right now, I no longer do believe that. Which is very sad for me. But guess what?
I still can't bloody give up.
It's just not happening. Like I said, I do for a day or two and then, no matter what, I'm back here fighting again. In all your lovely messages of encouragement, a few people suggested advertising and Facebook ads. I had been doing those and they didn't work. But I did stop for a long time. So you might all be right. I just needed to be reminded of a few things I could do to help myself.
So, with my sword pen poised to battle the negativity and the sea of books and marketing, I am (somewhat) ready to once again fight my way to the top. I may never get there, but the hope just won't die, and so I will keep trying. After all, only those that quit fail.....